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Fall is upon us and families everywhere are sending their children back to school. According to many estimates, two-thirds of those children are engaged in a step-relationship of some sort. Yet, educational institutions lack a clear and consistent approach to managing non-custodial parents and/or stepparents when it comes to exchange of information. Policies and practices vary from school to school, teacher to teacher.
Children of divorce used to live primarily with one parent or the other, and that parent was the school’s only point of contact. Nowadays, it is more common for parents to share legal and/or physical custody. Add to the mix a stepparent or two, and it is easy to understand how school administrators and teachers become confused and parents end up frustrated.
To minimize their angst and yours, here are some tips to start the new school year on the right foot.
- Include non-residential and stepparents on registration forms and emergency contact forms. If possible, have each party sign the forms to demonstrate that you are a team and work together to support your child’s education.
- Provide addresses for both residential and non-residential households so they are both added to the schools mailing list. Throughout the year, both households will be kept in the loop and neither parent is responsible for informing the other.
- Clearly articulate the role non-custodial and/or stepparents will play in your child’s education. For example, if they will pick children up after school, chaperone field trips or attend parent-teacher conferences. Ask for the necessary consent forms or confidentiality waivers so you can sign them for school files.
- Ask the administration for any other policies that might affect non-custodial parents and stepparents participation in your child’s education.
- If the teacher compiles an email list (or list-serve) to disseminate information to parents, ask him or her to add non-residential parents and/or stepparents as well. This works well for general broadcasts to all parents, but be prepared to provide the teacher with one primary contact to communicate individual concerns.
- If your child will be engaged in extra-curricular activities, make sure that both households receive contact information and schedules. Find out if coaches, tutors or others need additional forms signed or if the school’s general forms will suffice.
Regardless of age, your child’s needs are best met when his/her teacher understands their circumstances. It’s not necessary to share every detail but the teacher should at least know that your child moves between two homes and be familiar with the people involved in their routine care. By partnering with your child’s teacher, other parent and stepparents, you give your child the best possible environment to support his or her learning.
*content authored by Angie Blackwell and previously published in StepMom Magazine, September 2009.
I hear the same story time and again; “The kids liked me until I married their father.” So why is it that marriage often serves as the trigger, transforming once charming children into sullen stepkids? Many parents mistakenly believe that because the children are happy about the courtship that they will be happy about the marriage. They’re surprised to find that the kids no longer want step-mom-to-be included in family outings or special occasions.
It’s likely that in the beginning you did things for your spouse’s kids hoping that they would like you. Naturally, in your eagerness to be accepted, you planned fun activities, stocked your kitchen with kid-friendly foods and maybe spent money on gifts and entertainment. What child wouldn’t like that? Your role was not as an authority figure, or even as a member of the family. You were new and exciting. More important, if you’re anything like dad’s other girlfriends, you are also temporary.
As time goes by, you may have settled into a relationship with the children that resembles that of a distant relative; they treat you with respect and courtesy, but you don’t assert authority over them. This is about the time the kids begin to realize that you’re not going away. No matter how long their parents have been divorced, kids hold on to hope that the family will be reunited some day. That fate is sealed with the announcement of your engagement.
So, how can you get the kids to stop seeing you as the obstacle standing in the way of their fantasy reunion? Here are five tips to having a respectful, peaceful relationship with your new stepchildren:
- Validate their desire to have their parents back together. Let them know that it’s very normal and it doesn’t hurt your feelings.
- Tell them you know they already have a mother and you are not attempting to replace her. Let them know that you would like to be a part of their lives in a way that is helpful to their mom and dad, not hurtful. You, your spouse and the children should decide together what your role is and by what name they will refer to you.
- Let them know that you don’t expect them to love you, but you hope they will some day. Tell them that it will take time and that you are willing to take it slow. If you love them, tell them so. If not, don’t lie! Kids can see right through that.
- Encourage your spouse to spend time alone with his kids. As the new love, he naturally lavishes attention upon you. Giving the children that same undivided attention will assure them that they are still as important as always. It also conveys that you are confident in your relationship and that you are not insecure.
- Probably the most important thing you can do to earn the trust, respect and love of your stepkids is to genuinely befriend their mother. She can be your greatest ally. Ask for her help getting to know her children better. In doing this, you demonstrate that you respect her role (along with your husband’s) as their primary caregiver.
Next, learn how to handle discipline in your new stepfamily so that you don’t become the bad guy creating new restrictions and expectations.
*Article reprinted with permission. Author bio and contact information at the end of this post*
In his long career, award-winning author and divorce attorney, Ed Sherman, has experienced it all — the acrimony, bitter custody battles and prolonged legal dramas played out in courtrooms day after day. According to Sherman, “in our adversarial system, courts are a forum where people are expected to fight – it’s designed that way!”
Little wonder so many couples facing divorce have been led into an ordeal that ultimately benefits only the divorce attorneys. With the Alec Baldwin-Kim Basinger case just the latest in a never-ending progression of high-profile examples of our legal system at its worst, it’s time to step back and take the sound advice of attorney Sherman.
“In a sane universe,” notes Sherman,” people who are breaking up would be guided through a non-adversarial process of conciliation.” He explains that people would be encouraged to think about what’s best – and most fair — for the kids first. Then couples would be encouraged to work with trained mediators and negotiators, rather than litigators.
The result would be a win-win solution for all involved. Well, maybe except for the litigators who thrive in the depths of an adversarial legal system. Today’s dysfunctional divorce system, Sherman notes, encourages battle. “The more trouble you have, the more money your attorney makes,” he reminds us. The rules of professional conduct promote your attorney to be aggressive and we’ve been conditioned to believe that is a good thing. “But it isn’t,” says Sherman. “It produces rich attorneys and tragedies like the Baldwin-Basinger family, every day by the hundreds.”
Thankfully, more and more attorneys are embracing what is being referred to as Complementary Divorce. These attorneys, along with mediators, focus their attention on creating as harmonious a resolution as possible, especially for couples with children. I call this process Child-Centered Divorce and am encouraging all professionals to educate their divorcing clients about the life-supporting and lasting advantages this concept provides for the entire family.
The Child-Centered Divorce philosophy should begin before you ever break the news to your children. In my new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? I provide a fill-in-the-blanks template that parents can use to prepare a storybook, in advance of that dreaded conversation. The text provides six essential messages every child needs to hear – and accept – at this difficult time. The storybook, including photos and personal information about their family history, is a resource children can read over and over again, to help prepare them – with love and compassion – for the many changes ahead. The book includes commentary and advice from six professional therapists to help parents get through the weeks and months ahead in the most positive way possible.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the upcoming ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! The ebook provides expert advice which helps you to create a unique personal family storybook that guides you through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce and Rosalind’s free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com |
